Posts by cognizant dissident

When I was six or seven, my best friend and I begged my parents to sit by ourselves in the two seats right across the aisle from them. They said yes, and we felt so grownup for about one minute into the opening song, when my mother started gesticulating wildly at us to come back and sit beside her. We shook our heads, no, and refused to budge. Then an elder walks up to us and takes me firmly by the arm and my friend firmly by her arm and escorts us both at once back to the one seat by my mother and all the other witnesses in the row hastily move down to vacate another seat for my friend. After the prayer I am hounding my mother, "why did we have to move, why did we have to move?" She says she will tell me later. After the meeting she tells me that the older man who came down and sat next to my friend and I, as soon as the song started, was a "bad man" who always tried to sit next to young ladies and little girls and slide his hands up their skirts. This man came to the hall fairly regularly. So this was the elder's solution every week? Play musical chairs every meeting after the song started? Why didn't they come and take HIM firmly by the arm and throw his ass out of there! The whole congregation knew who he was and what he was doing and they just tolerated it! Crazy!

Also, around the age of 6 or 7, I was sitting at one of those little circuit assemblies that were held in local schools (anybody remember those?) All of a sudden, the wooden chair in front of me flipped backwards and the woman on it was on the floor with her eyes bugged out and her mouth frothing and her tongue hanging out right at my feet! She was having a grand mal seizure. Scared the shit out of me! I kept asking my mom if the demons were attacking her! lol. Wonder where I would ever get a crazy idea like that from?

Fast forward to teen years. New congregation. Beautiful, sexy young mother in her twenties with nice, handsome husband, and 3 little kids has sex with skinny, gawky, ugly, pimple faced little fifteen year old elder's son. Boy is in love and wants to marry her. Confesses all. Sexy young mom gets df'd and elder and family move far, far, away to hide in shame. Nobody could ever figure out what the hell sexy young mom was thinking?

When I was in my twenties, there was this old annointed brother in the hall with a photographic memory and a penchant for telling "experiences" during his comments. For instance, "Did you hear the one about the Catholic priest and the housewife? Well, it seems that when the husband was at work the priest would come over to confess the wife. So while the husband was going out the front door, the priest was coming in through the back door. (I know, I know, don't say it!) One day the husband came back because he forgot his lunch and the priest had to dive under the bed! You just can't trust those Catholics!" Sister's would be stifling giggles. The brother conducting the watchtower would clear his throat uncomfortably and say, "Uh, thank you for that experience, brother annointed". Half the time it had nothing to do with the paragraph.

Here's another classic experience from "brother annointed". One time he was relating the importance of asking the householder's name and he gives the example of how he introduced himself and asked a woman at the door what he could call her and she said, "I don't care as long as you don't call me a bitch! My husband calls me that and I don't like it!" Audible gasps from the sisters. More throat clearing from conductor. Brother annointed may have been very faithful but he was hardly discreet.

Same congregation, another day, we get to the hall for the Sunday meeting and we can't go in. The police bomb squad is there complete with sniffer dogs. A woman had phoned the assembly hall and threatened to blow the local kingdom hall to smithereens if any witnesses ever called on her house again. No bomb was found, but the meeting was cancelled just in case the dog had missed it and a bomb might go off when the meeting was in session. This was only a couple of years after the incident in Australia where a bomb did go off in a Kingdom Hall and killed a couple of people, so it was not that paranoid to be cautious. So the police and the brothers are trying to figure out where this call came from (before caller ID). They asked everyone in the hall to rack their brains to think of any unusual incident that might have triggered this. Two pioneer sisters came forward and admitted they had accidentally called on a marked "DO NOT CALL" that very morning and the woman had been so irate she had screamed at them that if they ever came back she was going to blow them away! The police went to the address the sisters gave them and confronted the woman, pretending they had evidence and they knew the woman had made the threat. They actually had no evidence, but the woman was stupid and started to cry and confess. The police were going to arrest her but the elder's didn't want to press charges. They wanted to leave the woman with a favorable impression of Jehovah's Witnesses!

There was also another older brother, a long-time elder, starting to become senile. The congregation shared a double hall with a Korean congregation. One day during his public talk he started a rant, off topic, on what horrible drivers those Koreans were, almost crashing into everyone in the hall parking lot. They shouldn't be allowed to get licenses in this country! They can barely speak English! Many of "those Koreans" used to visit the other congregation and were highly offended. Brother "Closet Racist" was counseled afterwards. At his next talk, something about the witnesses persecuted in Germany under Hitler caused him to go off on a rant about how the Jews and the homosexuals got what they deserved. After that, Brother "Closet Racist" was never given any more speaking assignments but he was allowed to keep his title as honorary elder because of his long years of faithful service.

Here's a cute one. Brother "Bumbling" was giving a public talk when his cell phone in his suit pocket started to ring. Everyone started giggling. Brother "Bumbling" got all flustered and embarassed and didn't know what to do, so he took it out and answered it! This made everyone laugh out loud. Brother "Bumbling" is bright red now, telling his caller, "Look I can't talk right now, I'll call you back after the meeting." People are just about falling out of their chairs at this point. They were still stifling giggles 10 minutes after he hung up. Next week, at the service meeting, Brother Bumbling is assigned the local needs talk. He choosed as his topic, "The importance of respecting our place of worship, and lectures the congregation on not causing distractions during the meetings, by chewing gum, eating, unnecessary washroom trips and leaving our beepers and cell phones on, etc. He did have the good grace to blush profusely throughout the entire talk.

Ahh, the memories...

Cog

46

Why did they not try to 'Save' me?

by AK - Jeff in

i have pondered this question on many occasions.

when i began to have 'doubts' and began to 'question' some doctrine, and particularly the lack of christian love, very little effort was made to 'snatch me out of the fire' as elders are admonished to do.

i have always wondered why we as jw's would spend countless hours trying to start bible studies with 'wordly' people, while at the same time ignoring those who are moving away from dead center of the organization.

cognizant dissident

Jan 1, 2006, my new years resolution was to stop attending meetings. I also stopped putting in time. My son also stopped going and putting in time at the same time as me. My husband was an MS. We did not receive one phone call, or one shepherding call from any friends or elders.

4 months later my mother asked me if I went to the memorial, I said no and I haven't heard another word from her about it. In the summer, a friend sent me an e-mail saying she missed me at the assembly. A couple of weeks ago I got an e-mail from another friend saying "We miss you!". She is single and has no family, so I can imagine who the "we" is. It is now 1 year and 3 months and still nothing. Not one question from anyone including the many witnesses I run into in town. It is a little strange. I was expecting a little pressure at least from my friends. But nothing. Not even a question, "why". I am starting to think they are afraid to ask me because they are afraid of what I might say.

I just phoned up my father who lives in another town and is the PO of his congregation and told him I am no longer an active witness. He did ask why. I told him I don't believe it anymore. I never said a bad word against him or the organization although there was plenty I could think of. I just kept saying, I don't believe that's the truth to every argument he brought up. After only 1/2 an hour he ended the call and I have not heard a word from his since. This was two weeks ago. He did ask me what my status in the congregation was and if I was df'd or dissasociated. I told him no. He asked if any elders had called on me. I said no. He sounded very shocked so I'm not sure if he is going to call some up and send them over. I hope not.

Cog

120

Tell us a weird fact about yourself

by ninja in

jw
friends

i will start....i can speak conversational albanian....thanks to the foreign language field...really useful in everyday life as a cleaner....sniff...why didnt i pick mandarin?

..would be useful when they take over the world....but one day i will find an albanian to talk to ...that or a needle in a haystack....the emmerdalian world of jw's

cognizant dissident

Well, I was going to say something weird but I gave up when I read Terry's. I can't outweird that!

OK, I'll try.

Sometimes, when I'm sleeping, I suck my thumb.

Is that wierd?

30

What's your pet peeves?

by Hannah in

jw
friends

rude and ill-mannered sales people, telephone solicitors, and people who use their sleeves as tissues and napkins..

cognizant dissident

People who drive with their high beams and don't lower them when the meet an oncoming car.

People who let large, aggressive dogs run loose on the street.

Dog walkers who do not scoop the poop after their dog.

People who hork and spit on the street (young guys seem to be the worst offenders) Gross!!

People who talk to waitresses and sales clerks like they are dirt.

People who talk on cell phones in restaurants.

People who talk in the movies at all. I didn't pay 9 bucks to listen to you yak!

People who kick the seats in movie theatres. (Our family has actually stopped going to movies because of this)

People who intentionally insult others just to make themselves look like a bigshot.

Screaming and swearing, don't care who's doing it (including me)

Cog

29

OK, my dealing-with-heckler skills need work! (stand up comedy)

by AlmostAtheist in

jw
friends

so i went to the bar again tonight for my 4th appearance at the open mic comedy event.

my last three sets went fine, got plenty of laughs, and i felt good about them.

tonight i thought some folks from work were going to be there so i was using old material that had worked previously.

cognizant dissident

Dave,

I actually thought your answer about not dating her "specifically" was pretty funny. It sounds as if you kept your composure and still managed to get a few laughs so that's probably the most you can expect from your first heckling. Yeah, think of Kramer! It could have been so much worse!

Cog

58

Defending WT changing Doctrines

by stillajwexelder in

ok - dont shout at me -but i know that archaeologists will change a theory based on a new find.

so will historains.

so will scientists.

cognizant dissident

My husband asked a similiar question when I complained to him about the society's changing doctrines. He said scientists and doctors don't have all the answers either. They also change what they believe in over time. I agreed with him that is true. That's the beauty of science though. Scientists don't claim to have all the answers. Scientists don't claim those answers came from God. Scientists don't threaten all who don't believe their information with shunning and imminent destruction. When new information is discovered that proves old theories were wrong or misguided, then they are able to discard the old theories and follow the new best practice.

The society gave up the right to do those things when they said they and only they have all "the truth". All those who don't accept this truth are false prophets or wicked. They claim an ifallibility and divine right that scientist don't claim. Therefore, they are held to a higher standard and lose all credibility when they are proved wrong.

Cog

21

WHAT CARE AND COUNSELLING DO JWS PROVIDE?

by badboy in

jw
friends

its says in many charity commission bits that jw congregation have submitted that they provide care and counselling.. what types is that?.

cognizant dissident

Well, once when I was going through a serious depression, and elder came over and told me to snap out of it. Does that count?

Cog

42

Australian animals and the flood

by nvrgnbk in

jw
friends

how did the kangaroo, the koala bear, and the platypus get from noah's ark to australia?

how did any animals get to australia for that matter?i know that this has been considered before but i just love asking jws this question.. nvr.

cognizant dissident

Right back at ya tetra baby!

Cog

42

Australian animals and the flood

by nvrgnbk in

jw
friends

how did the kangaroo, the koala bear, and the platypus get from noah's ark to australia?

how did any animals get to australia for that matter?i know that this has been considered before but i just love asking jws this question.. nvr.

cognizant dissident

It was a miracle silly! Jehovah can do anything, don't ya know?

Although it does beg the question, why didn't he create a miracle that would have all the wicked people drop dead instantaneously? It seems a lot simpler. I guess God likes to do everything in the most difficult, inefficient way possible. Which also explains the door to door ministry.

Cog